


Those words we dare not say

by SquaresAreNotCircles



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Coda, Introspection, M/M, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, h50 episode 10.01, probably some internalized homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 04:48:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20886380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SquaresAreNotCircles/pseuds/SquaresAreNotCircles
Summary: He imagines it sometimes. Driving over to Danny’s, like he’s done a hundred, maybe a thousand times before, and ringing the doorbell and stepping inside and just saying it, saying those words, telling Danny—Or: Steve reflects on the state of things.





	Those words we dare not say

**Author's Note:**

> Another 10.01 fic! This time somewhat more tangentially related – this incorporates a lot of things I’ve been thinking about way too much, and 10.01 is mostly the jumping off point now because it’s where we’re at currently in canon, and I’ve been thinking about that, too. This is tiny (and perhaps somewhat aimless?), but I don’t think it’s going to get any bigger (or more meaningful), so I’m posting it as is.
> 
> The title is from _No place in heaven_ by Mika: _In between a solution can be found / How long will I swim before I drown? / And in between those words we dare not say / Do you think that you could learn to love me anyway?_

He imagines it sometimes. Driving over to Danny’s, like he’s done a hundred, maybe a thousand times before, and ringing the doorbell and stepping inside and just saying it, saying those words, telling Danny—

He can’t, of course. But it would be nice.

Brooke is nice, too. She’s very nice. She’s beautiful and funny and so nice and understanding, in fact, that it almost makes Steve feel guilty about the whole thing, especially when his rambling about Jerry getting shot and his unusually close relationship with Danny doesn’t scare her off. She takes all of it in stride and agrees to a second date, and he’s really glad to hear it. They did end up having a pretty good time.

He wonders if it counts as taking advantage of her if he knows that she isn’t what he wants, but she’s the best possible deal he could ever get, and he would really _try_ to love her. That has to count for something, right? The trying.

He hopes it does, because it’s all he has to give at this point. He tries to be a good friend, he tries to be a good man, he tries to be a good brother. Increasingly, he tries to be good at his job, as his body gets older and less willing to let him get away with thinking success is the only natural conclusion. He tries to help Tani and Junior, and to stand by Danny through the rekindling of his romance with Rachel, and to be there for both Adam and Kono during the divorce, and to keep in contact with Chin despite the distance. And he tries, he really does, to be interested in the right way in all these women people push at him. He’s just never been any good at that.

So that image in his brain persists. Getting in the car, following those familiar roads and knocking on that familiar door and standing in the middle of that familiar living room, saying the words, unfamiliar and completely foreign. “Hey Danny,” he could say, “I’m gay. Please stop trying to set me up with women. Maybe kiss me yourself, if you want me to stop living like a monk.” 

Danny probably wouldn’t believe him. He’s not sure he’d believe himself if he hadn’t lived inside his head for forty-two years. He’s always dated women and people have always accepted that, because it makes sense, and it’s what people want to accept. Nobody has ever stopped to question why Joe had to guilt trip him into making a real move on Catherine, or why Ellie had to badger him for months and talk up half a dozen of her friends before he agreed to meet Lynn, or why he gave up on romance and sex entirely for close to two years and then finally agreed to a first date again only when Danny started making noises that sounded seriously worried, as opposed to his garden variety teasing and grumping. 

And why would they question that? Steve McGarrett likes women, because of course he likes women, because he _has_ to like women. Why wouldn’t he? That would make no sense. 

It would be stupid, too. It would be so stupid to drive to Danny’s house and ask to be let in and stand there and ruin all of their lives with words when they risk encountering gruesome, sudden ends every day. He’s the one who’s supposed to protect their team from that, not throw them into more danger. And really, it would not just be stupid, but it would be the absolute _height_ of idiocy to even think, for one second, that maybe Danny wouldn’t awkwardly tell him he doesn’t feel the same way. 

That maybe Danny would instead be relieved and perhaps even smile nervously and come closer and invade Steve’s personal space like it belongs to him, which it does, and that he would put a hand on the side of Steve’s face and laugh a little when Steve lets his eyes close because he finally, for the first time he can remember, feels really at peace, and they would both lean in but Danny would bridge the final distance and there wouldn’t be fireworks, loud and jarring and flashy, but there would be a deep, steady certainty, like the ocean beating against the shore, like the blood rushing in Steve’s ears, and they would get to have that for the rest of their lives, however short or perhaps even long those might be.

Really. Idiocy. Heights. Danny is not as afraid of those as he is of small spaces, but it’s a near thing.

So he doesn’t tell Danny, and he only tells Brooke that he had a lot of fun, and he keeps the rest to himself. He stays at home and keeps his mouth shut and his confessions in the realm of fiction, as fragments of truth hidden under his tongue like a too-sharp mint that won’t dissolve. They sit uncomfortably, but he never dwells on them for too long. Nobody has to get hurt that way, which is better.

And if there’s an ache in his chest sometimes anyway, that’s his own to deal with.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! Comments are a balm for the soul (which is to say, always welcome). ❤
> 
> I'm on Tumblr as [itwoodbeprefect](https://itwoodbeprefect.tumblr.com), or with my exclusively H50 sideblog as [five-wow](https://five-wow.tumblr.com).


End file.
